Emily to Gremily
A podcast about the stories that start out normal and spiral into something unforgettable. Hosted by Emily Hogan, Emily to Gremily blends humor, honesty, and a touch of chaos through solo episodes and guest features. Expect cocktails, unfiltered “gremlin" stories, pop culture hot takes, and internet obsessions.
Subscribe for new episodes every Tuesday, and follow along on Instagram and TikTok @EmilytoGremilyPod for episode updates, cocktail recipes, and behind-the-scenes extras.
Make sure to email us your insane gremlin stories to EMILYTOGREMILYPOD@GMAIL.COM and they will be featured on future episodes.
Emily to Gremily
My Therapist Broke Up with Me: Confessions of a Former Party Gremlin
TRIGGER WARNING: This episode deals with the topic of drug and alcohol addiction
What happens when the party girl presses pause on the party? In this vulnerable conversation, Britt opens up about her journey through addiction and sobriety, revealing the messy, beautiful transformation that came with putting down the bottle.
Two years into her sobriety from alcohol, Britt walks us through the phases of her recovery journey, from quitting party drugs in 2022, to alcohol in 2023, and eventually cannabis just seven months ago. She doesn't sugarcoat the process, sharing how substances became less about fun and more about escape.
The conversation delves into those rock-bottom moments that preceded her decision; the blackouts, the dangerous drives home, and the embarrassing explanations to concerned friends. Beyond the external changes, Britt reveals the profound internal transformation that occurred once she stopped numbing her emotions.
Whether you're sober-curious, in recovery, or simply interested in authentic conversations about transformation, this episode offers both cautionary tales and hopeful insights into what happens when we finally face ourselves, unaltered.
Want to share your own gremlin story? Email us at EMILYTOGREMILYPOD@GMAIL.COM (and let us know if you'd like to remain anonymous).
Follow along on Instagram and TikTok @emilytogremilypod and watch full episodes on YouTube.
Hey everyone, I just wanted to hop on here real quick at the top. This episode has a trigger warning attached to it. It deals with drug and alcohol addiction as well as recovery and sobriety, so just wanted to let everyone know in case those are sensitive topics for you. And with that I hope you enjoy the episode. Cheers, I like your nails. Thank you, thank you, welcome. This is episode five of Emily to Grammarly, and I'm here with one of my longest and oldest besties, britt hey. So what's been new with you?
Speaker 2:Oh, that's a loaded question. We can talk about the fun things Fun. What are the fun things? What are the fun things? I don't know. Um, I'm in school, a doctorate program.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's not very fun, though I mean I think it's fun, it's exciting you have something new going on it's fun when you think about all the paths that have led you, led me to where I'm at.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, I guess it's fun. Um, I'm creating new business ventures and websites. Yeah, and hang out with my cats a lot. We love a cat hangout. I've turned into the lonesome woman with her cats. He plays fetch, though I throw the ball and he comes back. Yeah, she has two cats, two kitties.
Speaker 1:We have Binks and Cash Purr purr. Yes he's the fave oh, you have a favorite. Now I do have favorites. Oh, it's scandalous, but I love them.
Speaker 2:But child, oh, everyone does, everyone has a favorite child I'm an only child so I am automatically the favorite.
Speaker 1:I don't know if that's good, that I'm the default, but I am the favorite. Complex. Well, what can we do? And today we have our episode drink is a mocktail. We'll tell you why in a second. But we did a cherry kiss mocktail and it's actually pretty good. I was telling her before we started this I feel weird doing this sober, which I think says a lot about me. It's not very good.
Speaker 2:You know what, so do I.
Speaker 1:But we are doing a mocktail today, not for me but for her, because she is a sober Sally.
Speaker 2:I am a sober sally. How long?
Speaker 1:have you been on your journey of sobriety?
Speaker 2:I feel like it's come in phases. Okay um, do you?
Speaker 1:have like a date that you've I do that you started. Yeah, I mean I kind of have a general idea, I just don't know what the date is well, january 4th for alcohol of 2023.
Speaker 2:so I just passed two years and some months. Um, I quit anything party drug related. Um, some were just fun here and there, and there was definitely one of you know in that mixed bag that was very habitual, yeah, and I quit that all of the above at the end of August in 2022. Nice. And then I stopped smoking, mary Jane, about seven months ago. Okay, so there's been phases and levels to each of them, and now I'm just like Now she's just living life like a normal person.
Speaker 1:That's why. I'm at home with my cats so what would you say would be like your turning point for, like, wanting to go completely sober?
Speaker 2:I know, yeah, that might be a loaded question if you want to just stick to like the alcohol part of it, or you know, um well, I think I wanted to get sober a lot way before than I actually did um, and I think I would try um, you know I'd go a couple weeks here and be like whoa and you know, 30 days.
Speaker 2:Here I mean small wins yeah, a bigger success you know, and sometimes I would make it through that the all the 30 days or all the couple of weeks. Sometimes I would flop and not make it in, but it'd be like, hey, at least I made that. Yeah, um, but there was always the intention like I just got to prove to myself that I can go this long. But I was like I'm going back, you know I'm gonna drink, and then I would just end up drinking the same way, the same amount that I would had I not taken a break at all right, you were like making up for lost time exactly so, um, kind of just like, those breaks didn't really I mean, yeah, they didn't really count, I don't think, because there was never that like solid, like okay, like something's got to change.
Speaker 2:It was just more like yeah, I want to do this for myself, but this, um, I knew I wanted to stop anything party related because it started not to be fun. Yeah, like it, just it wasn't like, it didn't feel as fun before it loses its sparkle yeah, you know, and I not, I had some good times. Yeah, there were, there were some great times, weaved into, you know, the degenerative lifestyle yeah, we spiraled several times.
Speaker 1:Yeah, several is like the understatement of the year.
Speaker 2:We were like spiraling queens yeah, there, you know, there's some good times, there was some bad times, bad times there you know, whatever, yeah, and so I knew I wanted to stop that because it just it wasn't feeling as fun.
Speaker 2:It was just like okay, and then I wasn't doing it as frequently because I just, you know, I didn't like it and I was like, okay, I want to stop whatever. And then the hangovers got significantly worse, significantly worse, towards like okay, well, I don't even like this. This is just inducing my anxiety, not to say that it wasn't before, but like I don't know, I was having a good time before. It was the bad started to outweigh the good. Yeah, you know, if you're around for the corded headphones, I would fall asleep to like violin or saxophone music, because I would just be so strung out and be like I need to sleep, um, but yeah. So I wanted to stop that and I think because I started my doctorate program in September of 22 and I was like it just doesn't feel right to be like I'm literally going to a medical school, like I don't like the how embarrassing if they're like checking out my nose, and they're like also like I just knew for what needed to come for me, like I couldn't quite do that, not being as clear-headed, so and that was just like, okay, like I'm good, and that was fairly easy to quit, just because it was a phase and I was done.
Speaker 2:And then I knew I wanted to stop drinking. But then I went, like you know, I was like, oh, maybe I'll go through the whole term without drinking. Or, you know, start with the 30 days or the full term or whatever. And I didn't do it, or the full term or whatever, and I I didn't do it. You know, like I knew I wanted to because it was just like, okay, quit that, okay, quit this. And then I still kept drinking the same amount. And for anybody that is familiar with the party habits, you know, quote unquote one cancels out the other.
Speaker 2:You do you know, that, yeah, whatever, um, I was still drinking the the same amount, um, and yeah, so you were, yeah, you were getting a little, yeah, a little crazier yeah you know, and, like you know, I had just put down my cat, so like that was kind of like breaking the seal of like drinking again, so that.
Speaker 2:And then you know, I think I've drinking enough times to know that there is no moderation. Um, there's probably been a handful of times where I'm like, okay, cool, like I've had a couple drinks and I'm chill maybe, but like that's very few.
Speaker 1:I've drinking enough times to know that there it's honestly easier to not drink so you feel like you're not one of the those people who can have like a cocktail and then call it a day.
Speaker 2:I wish I was, and maybe one day I will be. I don't know, I don't trust that. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I mean for some people like they can't. If you have one, then you just ruin your life. You burn down the house.
Speaker 2:Luckily I have not quite. You know, probably back in the day I probably did think I ruined my life at some point. But here we are, we're good. Yeah, you survived, yeah, and so it just I just knew it started not to feel right, like I was waking up, feeling super anxious, anxiety, um, also, the amount of like alcohol I consumed was like somebody who's not drinking for fun, yeah, and maybe it started out drinking for fun like okay, yeah, I'm gonna.
Speaker 2:But it was more of like an escape and like someone like masking the yeah, and then that explains like why I would just like fucking get strung out, you know, and just like black out and drink, you know, and I'd be with people and I'd be drinking, and then I'd go home and everyone's like normal and they're like okay, time to go, and I'm just like what do you mean? I'm like ready to go, so I'd go to bars by myself or I'd go home and like I think in that, like before I stopped drinking, in that December of 2022, I was living with roommates at the time and I'd come home I don't know, either come home from work or come home from being out whatever I was loaded.
Speaker 2:I wanted to drink and, um, because that's, that's how it is for me, like I start drinking and then I want to continue drinking until I'm literally incapacitated and cannot drink anymore. Yeah, hence why we don't drink anymore. But my roommates had like a tall what is this? The gray goose? Bottles, but like I'm telling you like tall they're like novelty almost yeah and I'd ended up drinking it down to like about here. Oh my, like I you were just going.
Speaker 1:Yeah, binging.
Speaker 2:I fell, I tripped in my own room, you know whatever, and I I knew there was something there, but I just wasn't sure like what it was. All I knew is just like okay, like I need to stop, because something's going to happen that I can't come back from. Also, it gets really tired explaining to your friends that you really just don't know why you're drinking that much. Yeah, you know at some point it's like okay, like well, if you don't know why, maybe you shouldn't. Um, and I just didn't, like I was judging myself and I felt like just judgment or like disappointment from the people that care about me, from you know, because it's like jesus, like you can be so great, you are so wonderful, but when you get to that level, you are just not the best yeah, you're not your best yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I definitely remember a few times where it like, if we were out, like having fun or doing this or that there was, you would hit like a point where then you like you, you turned into a different person it was a switch.
Speaker 1:You, you gremlin out but in a really bad way. But yeah, it was a definite switch and there were a few times, I remember, where, like, I turned around and you were gone and I was like where the hell did she go? And they were like, oh, she just drove off. And I was like, no, and I you know it was I couldn't call you. Because I'm like, if I call her, I know she's on the freeway right now, she's drunk out of her mind, she's. If I call her, I'm going to distract her, I'm just going to wait the you know 20 minutes and hopefully she made it home, and then I'll be like, are you safe, are you okay? And then, thank God, you always were, but you definitely like you would just you would turn.
Speaker 1:Oh, when I wanted to leave, I was out, you were gone and you went. Irish exited every single time. And then it became the worry of I really fucking hope she made it home. Yeah, and thank God, praise the gods, the spirits, whatever, we believe in that you were safe every time they needed me to be alive. Yes, you know you have a purpose in life if you made it through all of that and you're still here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, safe some questionable yeah and then there's sometimes I'd come back to my car the next day and I'd be like I'd just be a little puzzled as to well one either the parking job, like told me yeah, or two, I'd just be like, how did you do this?
Speaker 2:and in time, you know there are times where I was driving'd just be like, how did you do this? And in time, you know there are times where I was driving I'd be like, please just let me get home, like I promise, like I'll shape up, and there's only so many times you can be like I promise I'll do this. And then you know, continue doing it. But I remember just being super locked in as much as I could be, and luckily I've made it home every single time. Yeah, and luckily I've made it home every single time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, um, and so that was kind of like a turning point, too, to where it's like, okay, I don't want my career, like my future, to be over before it has even started. Yeah, and so, uh, that January I think it was after New Year's I had a really great time went to an event, ate some mushrooms, drink it was, it was so fun, right, definitely woke up hungover and then I drank like I was, like I knew this time I knew I was like, okay, I don't, like I'm not planning to go back, like I actually want to finish the term and see how long I can go without drinking. And then it was never like oh, I'm never drinking again. Um, I think that's too much pressure to put on someone to be like a forever thing maybe I have commitment issues.
Speaker 2:I don't know that's for another episode, yeah, but um, it was more of like I'm gonna continue down this path of not drinking and being sober until it feels right to drink. Right like if it feels right. Don't like if I'm in italy somewhere and and I say this just without being there, but if I'm in italy having like a nice you're, you're manifesting. Yes, like I might want to have a glass of wine Right, like I might want to indulge. I don't know if I would do the hard alcohol thing.
Speaker 2:So you think maybe you'll stick to like kind of like beer and wine as opposed to like the spirits See, I don't even know, we don't know, I don't know but I would like to be able to get to a point to where, like maybe, like if I wanted to have like a glass of wine to enjoy a meal and it's like really intentional and purposeful, yeah, I would like to be able to do that. I don't trust that I could, okay, and I definitely. It just doesn't feel right. Do you feel like?
Speaker 1:maybe if you're further along in your recovery, that would change. Or you think maybe you're always just going to have the reservations.
Speaker 2:I don't know. I think that the amount of clarity that I've gotten from being sober and the things that I've found out kind of makes me curious to like what is like what more there is to kind of uncover, and I like the idea of being able to be clear and level-headed. Um, and honestly, there's a part of me that's either scared or I don't trust, that I will just like won't turn into, like this feral animal that's been caged up.
Speaker 2:She's like I'm a freak, I'm going, let's go there's probably still a tendency for her to like come out, yeah, um, and I don't, I don't know. So for now, it's just like it feels right for me to not drink.
Speaker 2:And I've had people come up to me or not come up to me. If people reach out to me, you know about like asking, like how I've done it? You know like their struggles with sobriety Even had family member, my sister, she even stopped drinking as well and she struggled with it. You know I even have my father's struggle with alcohol and addiction and stuff like that. So to have people reach out or to know that I kind of model potential for other people, that makes me feel good and that also makes me feel like I know I don't owe anyone anything and I don't have any responsibilities other than to myself, anyone, anything, and I don't have any responsibilities other than to myself. Yeah, but it kind of makes me feel like I have some sort of responsibility to keep it up, as if I'm this um, I don't know role model or like, uh, sponsor, yeah, have you ever not?
Speaker 1:to be like full of myself or anything like that. But have you ever gone to like AA meetings or any? Never, okay, never, okay. I was gonna say I don't.
Speaker 2:I feel like you would have told me you went but and then I was like, do I not remember no shame to anyone that does that Um, I didn't feel like I needed it, yeah. Also, I don't know if I wanted to be surrounded, cause, like I, I I definitely had an issue. Um, I had an issue with drinking and I definitely, you know it was easy to stop doing any recreational because I didn't like it, but I also still had alcohol, yeah, and then I stopped drinking and that was fairly easy, you know, after a little bit. I mean the social situations, that was a hard, you know, it's still kind of hard to navigate those and other things. But then I also relied heavily on weed. So then I just I kept transferring the addiction to something.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was going to say I noticed like when you did, you know, stop drinking that you still like smoked weed or took mushrooms. And you know, in my head I'm not one to judge, I don't care what anyone does. But then I did wonder like would one trigger the other? Or if she gets, you know she stops smoking weed, is she going to start doing this?
Speaker 2:It was like the wondering of like then are you transferring it to a new thing? I definitely was, and like I was, and I started to feel the same thing, like you know, like okay, it's not fun, like I'm not, you know I'm smoking. And then like I'm getting like smoking too much and getting really bad, anxiety me like oh my god.
Speaker 2:Like I need to like no, literally, like I need to lay down like oh my god, you know, yeah, um, and it would always start like just a little bit, but then I would build my tolerance back up and then I would just be smoking and checking out and I, I know I'm just not the brightest tool in the shed sharpest tool in the shed, oh see, no, but not now. Yeah, believe me.
Speaker 1:I've been fucking up my phrases like in an insane amount. I feel like people on here are thinking like this bitch can't speak yeah, believe me, I've had my issues it sounded right to me.
Speaker 2:It always does until I.
Speaker 1:I thought about it too and I was like that's not right. Wait, hold on you, gotta say something.
Speaker 2:Yeah, in certain situations too, even when I'm sober, like if I'm feeling like anxious or whatever I'm, I'm just not there yeah, I'm doing things to where it's like.
Speaker 1:There she's smart like no, I mean, I definitely feel like that as well, especially in doing this. I mean, how many times did we start this episode? Yeah, it's, it's been a challenge but yeah like you.
Speaker 1:You go to talk to someone and you get nervous and your voice gets shaky and, yeah, I'm stuttering. Yeah, I'm like. I feel like you and I are very high anxiety people to begin with, yeah, and for me, I can have a glass of something or a drink. And then I'm like, okay, cool, I don't think'm going to burn my life down after I do it. But, yeah, the anxiety of it all.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's not when you're prone to anxiety. It just doesn't feel well Like you don't feel well.
Speaker 1:No, no one's hoping that they have more anxiety.
Speaker 2:Honestly, if she was a person, I would like to go hands with her.
Speaker 1:I know I kind of like from that movie inside out I kind of wonder like, what's she doing?
Speaker 2:oh my god, she's so manic too and I was like, oh my god, I'm watching myself she's having a fucking conniption up there like yeah, and I was like it was almost a little triggering to watch because I was like I know I was, it's me.
Speaker 2:No, literally Relatable. And we, oh, yeah, that one too, yeah, and so it kind of just was being masked by a lot of different things. And then I just came to a point where there's no way I can be as clear as I want to be. I'm literally I would never go to school, like I would never do exams or anything that I needed to do while smoking. But as soon as I walked in through that door, put my stuff down and I immediately my bong was clean.
Speaker 2:I had a cute little pink pineapple bong and cleaning the bong was so cathartic and then it was so great, maybe you just need to clean, just lower your anxiety. I love cleaning.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I sound like I love cooking and cleaning. I'm like I sound like a 50s housewife.
Speaker 2:That's like that calm that soothes the soul when you get into that space, yeah, but I realized it was just more of a same like whenever I was doing other party things. It was the act of doing it, the fact that I got to set something up and then doing like that part that becomes its own little addiction as well.
Speaker 2:Or like when you go and drink a coffee, like, oh, I love going to go get a coffee and sitting down, but if I have a little bit too much espresso, then it's like, okay, that act of doing something gave me a little anxiety, yeah. And then with I was, there was one point I got really sick in 2021 and I was in the hospital three times yeah, I remember that um, and that was from smoking too much weed.
Speaker 2:It literally says on my my discharge papers like hyperemesis due to the use and abuse of cannabis, um, along with alcohol abuse, you know. And I'd even like I was waking up and I was feeling nauseous and I was just like man, like why am I nauseous? I haven't drank, I haven't done anything. But as soon as I would smoke some weed, I was good, and then that was kind of like you know, but that was back in 21, so fast forward. And so now I started just feeling like, just not like this is this has got to go to, like I'm being dependent on it, so there's no intention behind me using it, like I know I'm leaning on it as some sort of crutch, absolutely. Um, and so I stopped and I would go through phases again, like stopping 30 days, you know whatever.
Speaker 2:Then I would smoke and then it would inch back up and this is when I was like OK, well, like I really want to stop this, and luckily I was preparing to go to Peru for an ayahuasca experience and I wanted to be extra clean.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you were like even like you're like no sex, no this food, no that food. And I'm like what are you doing in even like you're like no sex, no, no this food, no that food. And I'm like what are you doing in your life? Like you're not doing anything. Granted, there was not much sex happening anyways, but Fair but you know, I'm like, oh, but I wanted to be because, like I cleansed, I went in July and I you know, and what year was that? In 20.
Speaker 2:24, last year?
Speaker 1:what year was that in 20, 24?
Speaker 2:last year oh, it's 20, why I think it was 23, I don't know. Time means nothing anymore. 23 was a rough year. Um, yeah, lots of losses happened that year, but so I cleansed for about a month prior to july's journey and then something happened where I just got like anxious and I was like I was in a social setting and I was just like you know, if I've passed I'll check my little calendar if I pass 30 days, I'm smoking today, right, and I was past 30 days and I was like I'm smoking, but then it was also like a couple weeks, maybe like three weeks prior, before I was supposed to like fly out, yeah. So I felt kind of disappointed that I broke that. And then I smoked for like four days, like you know, four or five days, because I was like, if I broke it already, let's go for it like let's just go hard.
Speaker 2:And then I didn't even do the full two weeks. I think I did like a week and a half without any substances like marijuana, yeah. And so this time I'm like, okay, well, I wanted to be that clear prior, but I didn't quite do that last time, so let's see how far I can go this time. And so I stopped. I don't know when I stopped, um, but it was definitely like a couple months prior to me leaving in at the end of December. And then I told myself that maybe I was going to return after that. But just like, really stick to being intentional about it and not being so. Like you know, I recognized that it was habitual. Yeah, and maybe try to use it in a different way. Yeah, but as soon as I, with the whole experience, I didn't feel like it was right for me to return. I was like I've done all this work to clear and get level-headed not smoking, eating really clean, you are with a vegan diet no salt, no sugar, nothing no flavor.
Speaker 1:She had no fun in her life, yeah.
Speaker 2:And that says a lot for me, considering I'm really picky with food. She is the pickiest person ever.
Speaker 1:I thought about this the other day because you had sent me something on TikTok. It was about matcha and I had said to her I don't really like matcha. And this bitch told me to grow up.
Speaker 2:It was aloe juice bitch.
Speaker 1:Oh, it was aloe juice, whatever Okay, either way. I said I didn't like it. She said whatever, okay, either way. I said I didn't like it. She said grow up, you need to just start eating things. And I was like bitch, you don't eat cooked vegetables. You're telling me to grow up and you won't eat a goddamn vegetable.
Speaker 1:It was so funny I was, and I knew I was being snarky too, because oh, yeah, I saw that and I was like this bitch and I just like, I typed my little snarky remark back and I was all like oh, grow up, you grow up, you grow up.
Speaker 2:And I was like yeah, well you know, yeah, and you know that was part of the reason like I was a little scared going in July because I was like oh my God.
Speaker 1:What am I going to eat? What am I going to eat, Like you know.
Speaker 2:But then I was like don't let food be a reason to stop you from going. You have gotten a whole lot more adventurous.
Speaker 1:I have your palate.
Speaker 2:And I told myself to be yeah.
Speaker 1:Chicky tendies and.
Speaker 2:Oh, I still love some chicky tendies.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they're made, but that used to be like you had like a very beige diet.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I told myself in twenty twenty four that I would do more of just trying. Yeah, Because I was like no the worst thing that happened is you just don't like it and we just move on. Yeah, so I was like at least try it. Yeah, so then you can try it, and then, if you like it, great.
Speaker 1:And I found out I like so many things thank you, god there's me 10 years ago was like wanting to smack her over because she'd be like I don't want to eat that, and I was like, yeah, okay, we'll find them. And I starve.
Speaker 2:I still get a little bit of a social anxiety when I'm ordering things because I'm very particular and plain, but now I've kind of blossomed and more adventurous. Yeah, maybe still to some of those that are very colorful.
Speaker 1:I am somewhat of a picky eater, like I know what I like, I'm gonna stick to what I like, but I'll, you know, branch out a little more. Like compared to you though. I'm like the most adventurous woman.
Speaker 2:No, yeah, definitely you've grown up, even though I need to grow up yeah, no, and so, yeah, I you know. So you're really into this clean diet, whatever. And so when I came back and I was just like it doesn't really make sense to like return to smoking weed yeah, especially if I feel like I'm just gonna be dependent on it yeah stuff like that just makes it feels like a sense that like I'm reversing, because the first trip I went in July I came back and I was like hell yeah, we're smoking, let's go yeah, and this time, like it was just that feeling that it was like it doesn't feel right, like I can't like.
Speaker 1:I won't feel good doing it. It wasn't sitting right. Yeah, it wasn't Like with your soul.
Speaker 2:No, and so I forgot where I was going. But back to the aloe juice, whatever. Oh God, I've come to like terms like if I'm going to try something or if I'm going to, it's because there's a benefit, um, and because I think back I used to toss back shots and yeah, you know, and I've probably had some other questionable things that just you know there was whatever, um, and so like, if I'm eating something, it was just gonna be like you know, I may not be too fond of the taste, um, I still got a thing with texture yeah, you're, yeah there's.
Speaker 2:You know I'm working on that. But, like, if I'm not fond of taste, but I know it provides a great health benefit, I can suck it up, because I've sucked it up in the past, you know. And so, where I was coming from with the aloe juice, I was like, oh, come on, grow up. Like, if you can take shots of alcohol, like you could take a shot of aloe juice, you know.
Speaker 1:But also no, yeah, and you know what?
Speaker 2:and since then? Okay, because you're a grow-up, eat your veggies. And I was just like ah, she got me there and so the next time I met kava getting a bowl, did you add some veggies? I added spinach. I added spinach out of spite, and now I put spinach in my bowl see, and then you tried sweet potatoes and you like I love sweet potatoes sweet potatoes.
Speaker 1:Oh my god, you think I had some shots.
Speaker 2:No, but it was so funny because I was just going back and I was just like, yeah, you caught me there and now you like some veggies and I won't. It's not that like I don't think I could just eat spinach by itself. Maybe I could. You won't have spinach in a salad.
Speaker 1:I don't eat salads. Why that was such a stupid question?
Speaker 2:I asked no shit, of course you don't need a salad no, but you know, you know I might like, if I'm somewhere and like that's it, I might be, you know, doing it whatever. And I've discovered I love avocados. I discovered last year that I love avocados and now I have. That's surprising because you have like a texture yeah, but see, the thing is, it's like I will only eat avocados if they're smashed and it's on avocado toast.
Speaker 1:Okay, so it can't be like cubed or anything. No, no.
Speaker 2:Like, and sometimes I'll like, the avocado won't be ripe enough.
Speaker 1:What about like guacamole?
Speaker 2:You know what I like. I'll have some guac with someone I probably wouldn't order it for myself Like as like your own little appetizer. Yeah, like, but I'll definitely have some chips, and guac, like you know, whatever. But yeah, I love she's growing up. I know, no, I do.
Speaker 1:And eggs. Okay, yeah, that's where you got me. I fucking hate eggs.
Speaker 2:You know what, so did I, but they're a great source of protein. I know they are, and I've. I went through, like last year apparently I was super fucking skinny and everyone decided to comment on my weight and you know what I was, and you know, because I would go through phases where you know I'm just like not eating enough or right, you know I. You know I'm eating one meal but like I'm spreading it out into like three different meals just because I was all fucked up. Um and so, to try to like get back to like a healthier weight, I'm like what's something that I could add to help me out? You know, and yeah, and so and I only started eggs, like maybe like a couple months ago, yeah maybe I've.
Speaker 1:I've tried it. See, I have this fight with my boyfriend all the time because I make him eggs and I make great eggs. Okay, I just scramble them. I, I can, I will. That's how he likes his, like burritos and whatnot, so it's easiest. Do you add anything For him?
Speaker 2:Yeah, depends on Black pepper and turmeric in the egg mixture.
Speaker 1:Oh, maybe I'll surprise him with that.
Speaker 2:So maybe I'll do it before this recording comes out, if he pisses you off a shit ton of turmeric no, but you know he doesn't like spice.
Speaker 1:See, we need to have him on for him to talk about his aversion to flavor. It's spicy, he doesn't like spice. Just kidding just kidding.
Speaker 2:Maybe you're enough spice for him well, you know whatever, but anyway.
Speaker 1:So yeah, but every time I make the eggs I think about it would be so good if I ate them myself because I know, like all the health benefits and whatnot. I don't like the smell of it. I've tried many different forms of eggs too, like I've done scrambled, I've tried hard boiled or over whatever fried. I just I don't like it and I really don't like the smell of it. It's like I have an aversion to it. I know I used to eat them when I was like a wee tot as a struggle meal. Like here we're having eggs and ketchup, no like as like, like I was in a high chair eating them. So I know I used to eat them at one point. But yeah, like I can't remember a time eating eggs and liking it.
Speaker 2:I've tried it and then I was like I'm just not gonna eat yeah, it was strange when I was I would eat scrambled eggs and ketchup, but that's because mom, we're having eggs again and so, like I think, maybe, like you know, PTSD over that, because then it got to a point where it's like I won't eat eggs, but if there's like a little bit in chorizo, like I'll See, I can't even do that.
Speaker 2:Or, like you know what, I keep the egg in the fried rice. Now, oh you know what? Only at din tai feng, though. Oh okay, yeah, no, I just can't do that. Only because, ari, she's like you are not modifying it's a shared plate.
Speaker 1:We're not doing this, and you know what?
Speaker 2:I got over it and it's fine, um, but I started adding it. I won't eat eggs by themselves. I'm not just gonna like whip up some scrambled eggs and like eat it, like that. They're a weird texture. But so if you have the sourdough toast that provides a little crunchiness, and then you have like add everything seasoning, black sesame and hemp seeds to my avocado mixture, and then when I cook my egg, I will mix that with black pepper and turmeric, and then I'll put a little bit of ghee in the pot, and then it all sounds great and like. So I was like scared at first because I was like I don't know if I'm gonna like this, but I'm gonna scare, yeah. Well, first of all, okay, this is really embarrassing. But I was like I don't even know if I know how to scramble. Oh no, it's just well, girl, who am I cooking for? No, you know, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:And so I've gotten really good at I can make good yes I haven't tried the what it when, the, the yolk and the white around just a fried egg, yeah, like fried egg, and then you can like flip it, because that's how easy and what they would have them in peru, but I didn't like you didn't know I would pass on the protein because like
Speaker 2:I didn't. Well, first of all, we're also eating things without any fucking flavor, so it's nothing but texture there. It's like your worst nightmare, yeah, and so, like I don't know, and I think that's probably the better way to eat an egg is that way versus scrambled. I don't know if there's changes within the benefits that way I can tell you yeah, but yeah, so I way, yeah, um, but yeah, so I haven't tried it that way, but I'll scramble it and then I'll put it on top of my avocado and put a drizzle of honey, so it's kind of like masked and there's a lot going on there, which is how I can eat the egg and that's how I'll do it in the morning and other than that, I don't fuck with eggs.
Speaker 1:You know I just it's. I'm never gonna be an egg girly. It it's not for me. She's done with it, yeah.
Speaker 2:But see, I'm more inclined to do things now like the same with the spinach, partly because I was like this bitch, I'll show her, I'll eat some fucking veggies. Granted, the spinach wasn't cooked, but still, good God, but I was like it's good for you. Also, I took biochemistry nutrition this past term, so I was like actively learning as I was going, so I was like okay, like all right, let me try this out for the benefit of health, you know.
Speaker 2:Let's see what I can add. That's like doable and realistic, right, and get in where I fit in over there, and that's kind of.
Speaker 1:Again we were. You used to take fistfuls of shots.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, we weren't even doing shots, it was bottle to mouth oh, yeah, face, yeah, I even have a chipped tooth because I've cracked my teeth with a bottle I remember this one time we were, we went to cbs specifically for an alcohol run. Do you know what story I'm gonna tell? There's money, okay, we went to cbs for an alcohol run and we get there. We picked the bottle and it was back when we were on our new amsterdam flavored vodka cheap and does the back when we were on our new Amsterdam flavored vodka Cheap and does the job.
Speaker 1:Yep, we're on the kick and we're like oh mango, oh you know, pineapple, whatever I know. Now it sounds like an immediate hangover. I could never. But we get into you were driving, we get into your car. I've never seen something so seamless and terrifying at the same time. You had the bottle in between your legs and as you're wheeling out and doing like you're going backwards at the spot, you also simultaneously open the bottle and you're like it was flawless. And I was like and I stopped you. I was like what was that? And you're like you want some. And I was like I thought we were gonna get to our destination first but.
Speaker 1:I guess like, but it was just like I've never seen someone turn a wheel so beautifully and open a bottle at the same time, and then just like keep going and then put like bottle to face and question was I drunk? I don't remember. Probably that could have been the reason it was flawless and, looking back on it, so stupid?
Speaker 2:oh yeah, just like I don't know.
Speaker 1:I think we went back to my house. We weren't even going down the street. That's why you were like it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter you don't probably.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean yeah, um it was um. It was one of your more impressive talents that I've witnessed but it was yeah, you, yeah, yeah, you just never know what you're going to get. Sometimes I'm doing things and sometimes I'm thinking in the future of, like what would I do? Yeah, like hiding things, and then then I don't remember, yeah. And so sometimes I'd be like, oh cool, there's money here, right. Oh here, cool, there's another form of money here.
Speaker 1:You know, of money here, you know for sure. Yeah, um, yeah, okay, so what about like nowadays? Like, um, how are you? We talked about the social anxiety of it all. How are you being around other people if they're like all, if it's like you know, a birthday party or dinner of some sort and everyone's drinking, do you feel like you, like? Does your anxiety go up? Do you feel a little more level-headed or like, how are you around others who aren't sober?
Speaker 2:I think it depends around who I'm around okay, um, for sure, and that probably is the same when I was out getting drunk too, and why I may have drank so much but, um, it depends on the day, like there are sometimes even when I'm not even around people, I'll be like man, I really want to drink or like I wish I could drink almost in the sense, because it's so normalized now and like you'll see people like, oh, like out with the girlies you know this that you know, and that's so cute and like, oh, like I want to do that.
Speaker 2:But then I realized, like you know, no, and so it depends on the situation. Sometimes I do get really bad. It's almost like an inclusivity thing because it's like, okay, well, like I'm not in the group of drinking, you know what I mean, and so, and then at some point it gets to the point where you know you're the only one that's there not drinking, and then everyone else is drinking or doing whatever they're doing, and I can just feel that there's a shift, because whenever back in my day, I didn't want to be around anyone sober, nobody wants to be around anyone sober, and that's not to say that's how other people are feeling or thinking or anything like that.
Speaker 2:That's just like the way you're interpreting this is how my brain's working, you know. So sometimes I do get anxiety, but then I don't feel like I you know't be around. It's not. It's not, I've been around plenty of people. It's not upsetting like your own sobriety, it's just no, no, definitely not um you know, because at the end of the day I realize that I have a problem with drinking and so that's, that's me.
Speaker 2:You know, some people don't have a problem like if they're able to go out and have cocktails with the girls or let loose and sometimes I wish I'm like man, I wish I could let loose.
Speaker 2:But your girl doesn't let loose, she lets everything go. Yeah, you know, um and so, and I don't judge anyone that still wants to have a cocktail or still wants to have a random wild night, like that's where they're at, because it doesn't matter what you're doing. But if you feel like it's you're doing something wrong, or if you feel like it's not aligning with you, that's where it is. And for me, it started to feel like I'm doing something wrong. It's not the fact that I'm drinking, it's not the fact that I'm doing whatever I want to do while I'm drinking. It's the fact that I'm feeling whatever I'm doing is wrong. Yeah, like I'm feeling, like I'm doing something wrong and like that's not a good thought or feeling to have. So if you're not feeling that way, like you're not doing anything wrong, You're doing whatever you want to do with your life, live your life.
Speaker 2:That's fine. Granted, I can sit here now and still see. I'm just like, yeah, I see a problem, but that's also not my problem to acknowledge, yeah, you know. So it's like a weird, it's a weird time, a weird balancing act. It is a weird balancing act but also I just know, like I don't. I've asked myself so many times like how many times do you want to sacrifice, like your future, your health or just like anything, to this habitual type of addiction, like you know, and I don't want to do that anymore. And so it's got to be a real good reason if I'm deciding that I want to come out of the cave, Because I didn't say that I would forever. I might not drink forever. I mean, I might Wait.
Speaker 2:I might never drink again.
Speaker 1:Why was that hard? I'm telling you you get in front of this thing and you stop. You don't know how to speak. Mom, pick me up. I'm telling you. You get in front of this thing and you stop.
Speaker 2:You don't know how to speak. Mom, pick me up, I'm scared, yeah, um. And so I just started to like question myself in that way and then I didn't want to put that pressure on. So it's like if I feel like I want to have a cocktail at some point, yeah.
Speaker 1:If one day you're out and you're like I would like to have, yeah, a martini or a glass of wine, then you're out and you're like I would like to have yeah a martini or a glass of wine then you're just kind of playing it by ear yeah, and feel like you know and also get past like.
Speaker 2:I don't want to judge myself in the process of doing it.
Speaker 1:I don't want to feel like you don't want to. You know, have the regret.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like I don't like. And so if I'm feeling like the urge to drink, I have to think of okay, why am I feeling this way? What situation am I in? And if I were to drink and let's just say I didn't just have one drink how would I feel afterwards? Yeah, and that's usually enough for me to be like you wouldn't feel very great.
Speaker 1:Right yeah.
Speaker 2:And that's because I have this, you know, I feel like I would judge myself, because I feel like I didn't drink for a right reason, because I knew that I'm just not meant to drink. Right now I don't want to drink. Sometimes I do, actually.
Speaker 1:Everyone has those days.
Speaker 2:But not enough for me to just go back and drink, because I definitely I can look like everything is transformed since I've stopped drinking. I'm more clear-headed, I know how to manage my emotions more and kind of figure out where they're coming from. Yeah, um, my skin looks great you're seeing the benefits out? Oh I see like old photos and I'm like why did nobody tell me that I was carrying so much weight in my face? Yeah, because at the time I didn't feel it.
Speaker 1:I was like okay, like, because it was just normal? Yeah, we didn't. No one knew what your face was gonna look like.
Speaker 2:No, literally, and I'm just like, oh, my god, wow, and so so many. I've gained so many things. I mean it's the perspective hindsight's 2020, you know yeah yeah good times. And sometimes I think back, I'm like wow, like you had so many friends or like you were more social. Because sometimes I'm just like alcohol makes you more social.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like everything is more social.
Speaker 2:But then when you think about like legitimacy of like those relationships, it's like OK everything's very.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And now I'm like I don't really relate to a lot of people anymore, just because you know and that's not to say like I'm here and I'm there. It's just more like I'm just I'm here and like you're there, and that's that's just that. That's what it is right, um, so yeah, so it's hard like it. You know, I'm still figuring things out about myself, like you know, like who I am, because a lot of you've also done like a lot of therapy yeah, you know like work like my therapist broke up with me over text message.
Speaker 2:What did?
Speaker 1:you say to her how did you scare this, this woman, away?
Speaker 2:I was just, I'm just thinking about. It was like damn. My therapist broke up with me. When was this? Like a couple weeks ago, um I'm so sorry no it's funny like what do you think about it? Like you're just like damn, what was the last conversation you had?
Speaker 2:well you know what it was during, like finals week or whatever and my mom was like coming over and we've opened like an open channel of communication through text message and um, so I was just like, hey, like I don't think I'm gonna make the the three o'clock appointment, okay, and we do three to three, thirty and three thirty to four, because she has 30 minute increments um, and I was just like, hey, like I don't think I'm gonna like. I was just in a situation where I was just like okay, I need my mom, my mom to come. I don't think I'm going to be here.
Speaker 2:And I just I just figured I would explain everything in the next therapy session. And, um, she was just like okay, well, from now on, like I'm only going to keep you at three, 30 to four, you know. And I was just feeling frantic, Like there was a lot of things that I needed to address, Like I was. It was one of those weeks where I was really like like man, I really need therapy. But also just in a situation where I'm like my mom's got to come and like this is the only time she can come, and so I kind of handled something. I was just like hey, like you know what, Like I'm not going to be able to make the appointment, Like I'm sorry, and then also for next um term, I'm not going to be able to do Tuesday appointments. I'm only going to have Wednesday available, Okay, and I know she has Wednesdays available, I see them, Okay. And then, randomly, and she was just like okay, well, I will refer you out. Oh, no explanation or nothing, Okay, so I don't think you scared her away.
Speaker 1:No, it just became like a logistical thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, but it was just like. Oh became like a logistical thing?
Speaker 1:yeah, no, but it was just like, and I was just like, that is fucking funny, like that I might make that the title of the episode.
Speaker 2:My therapist broke up with me yeah, no, and I had also asked her, like in the prior um, because, like a dumbass, I was being honest and I had to renew my lease. And so I was honest and said that I had another cat, thinking that, like okay, cool, this I didn't know you have to pay pet rent per animal, yeah, oh, so wait. So you, they upped your rent. Yeah, well they. So I already pay 40 for one cat, and then I'd gotten another cat, and so I was just being honest because I'm trying to be legitimate, man, you know, leaving that past, leaving that path behind me, quit scamming the government. You know, up on my taxes. You know we're just really trying to be legitimate here.
Speaker 1:And they said oh OK, fuck you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, More money. No, they were just like, oh, like, this is how much it's going to be. And I was like what? Yeah, and I was just like you know what I'll get a Dr Snow like emotional support.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, you can just get animals registered.
Speaker 2:Exactly, and I was like, oh, my therapist could just write me a note, oh, and then she broke up with you yeah, end of the last appointment that we had in person. And she's like you know what, um, let me think of. She seemed kind of like resistant, but it was also towards the end of the appointment and she's like you know what, just remind me. And you know, yes, like okay, I'll do it, yeah, fine. And so then I have to cancel my appointment. So I kind of just like loaded up, being like you know what time wasn't on my side today, like I'm sorry, like can't make the appointment. Also, like, starting next term, like I'm not going to be able to do Tuesdays.
Speaker 2:I'm only you overwhelmed her and then I was like also like, if you know, yeah, like if you could, you know, write me that letter, like that you know I'd really appreciate it. No, I will not write you that letter, I will be referring you out. I wish you the best. Okay, then, yeah, and then I'm like with my mom and I was just like don't cry, because like, yes, your mom's there to help you, but like you're just crying in front of parentals, it's just like, just let me just be sad by the way, like I'll just wait till you leave and then sob no, and that's exactly what I did and now I'm without a therapist.
Speaker 2:But yes, I've done a lot of therapy.
Speaker 1:She used to do therapy and I used to, until I got broken up with she'll, um, she'll do more therapy, uh, tbd yeah, getting ghosted on dates. Therapist breaks up with me, you know well, I think your new therapist will have a lot to work with. I think that's a good laugh. You know it was. It was funny.
Speaker 2:It was almost like it's funny now and I was like that's so ironic, considering I was like this was the one week where I was like, wow, I really needed therapy and I honestly just thought and, like thinking back, I was definitely feeling frantic. I probably could have just been like okay, see you next week. Right, you over explained yourself, yeah, and then but, but also as a therapist.
Speaker 1:She got overwhelmed.
Speaker 2:I honestly just thought like, could we just have like a formal goodbye? I was like and I literally felt broken up with I'm sorry to laugh, no it's, it's funny. But yeah, I've gone through a lot of therapy. I don't even know how we got onto this I don't either.
Speaker 1:I know we've gone on a lot of tangents Sober life is going well, it's going well.
Speaker 2:You know, and I had to think back because, like honestly, I feel like a lot alone sometimes. You know, I'm just like this feels great, Like I come home to my own apartment. I get happy about feeding my cats.
Speaker 2:You have your little bubble Like finding new routines of like you know, just self-care and like doing all these things. Yeah, but it does get lonely sometimes. So I think back and I'm just like damn like, or like if I like 2023, I was really going through it just a lot and I was like man, why am I still fucking sad? Like I'm just so sad. It was one of those points to her and I still deal with that sometimes where it's like I'm here, but I want to be there. I don't want to be here.
Speaker 1:I feel like, once you get there, you're going to be like, but I could be, but I think it's just like the thing You're going to be content where you're at.
Speaker 1:I thought about that too. Where it's like OK, when everything's going right in your life, then you want more. It's like and even when you get those things and you're still sad, that hits the depression, it kicks into high gear again. Where you're like wait, everything's going well, you don't trust it. That too, everything's going well, so wait, something bad's going to happen, the shoe's going to drop. But then if everything's going well and the shoe doesn't drop, then you're still sad, and then that makes your depression worse, because you're like well, wait, why am I still sad?
Speaker 2:and then that makes your depression worse because you're like, well, wait, why am I still sad? Yeah, I'm just, you know, because you realize. You're like there's so many things to be grateful for and there's, yeah, there's so many things, and I'll catch myself, especially when I'm being kind of nasty and I'm like girl, check yourself, why are you why are you complaining? Yeah, why are you getting all revved up and my reaction time is there's still reaction. But you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you used to fly off the handle.
Speaker 1:No, literally, and don't get me wrong, I start malfunctioning here and there.
Speaker 2:But I ask these stuff. I'm like, why am I still fucking sad? And I realize I'm like because I'm not running to alcohol, I'm not running to any of these. Like you know, you have to live with your emotions. Yeah, and that's not glamorous, but no it. It does feel better whenever you just you can be more clear-headed about it, versus like you know you're doing something to just not deal with like you're more, you're just present in the moment and you're able to work, and you kind of just like okay it'll pass, you know, or I'm happy and that will pass to you.
Speaker 1:I'm happy and it'll pass. It's fine.
Speaker 2:You know everything and that's just like life. You know you have the duality of it and like sometimes it's real fucking shitty and sometimes it's not even that shitty. It's just like our perspective of it being shitty, yeah, and sometimes it's amazing. Yep, I don't want to say anything bad about that, but all right.
Speaker 1:So off the. Now that you're sober and you're clear-headed, let's talk about times when you weren't. You have a gremlin story for us and you haven't told me what it is. You were like I could do. Does it have to involve you? I'm like, well, I was like.
Speaker 1:I got a few, we got a lot like, but you can't. It's not a requirement, but yeah, your your gremlin story. I told you the examples that we've done. I talked about my gremlin story, which is just one of, like you know, 50 000 where I got. I got locked in my brother-in-law's garage. That was so fucking funny yeah you, everyone thought it was so funny.
Speaker 2:I remember texting you and I thought I was gonna get sympathy and all I got back was like fucking bitch yeah you know, just yeah, because it's so funny, especially when you send out like random text messages, like sometimes I would start typing in random text messages and wake up the next day. I'm like well, that didn't make sense all right.
Speaker 2:So your gremlin story, let's hear it oh, um, there's probably a lot that I didn't remember. That's okay. But what's coming to me now is about a decade ago, um, in vegas, okay. In Vegas, okay, okay. So I had gone to Vegas with a girlfriend and probably some friends for like a birthday party or whatever, and I'm trying to think like, how does it go? Well, if anyone knows me, especially while drinking, I'm very stubborn.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm stubborn. You're stubborn, sober, no, but like I am, she's so much worse.
Speaker 2:I am so stubborn, yeah, um, and chances are I don't want to leave. Wherever I'm at, wherever the vibes are, I'm trying to stay, yes, um, and that's definitely progressed over the years, but we're talking about early 20s, so we're thriving while we're intoxicated, um. And so I went out with friends and I made you know, marketed my way, uh, networked my way into some bottle service, as one young pretty girl does, and whatever, and hanging out having fun. It was just me, like, I left my friends, like, okay, none of my other friends were in the bottle, yeah, oh, just you. Yeah, because I'd leave people. You're like me, you're a runner. I just I'd leave, I'd disappear, and I'm just like, oh, hey, it's tough on you, you didn't get in, you know.
Speaker 2:You know it's also hard whenever it's we're partying, we're having fun. I meet with girls motorboating their titties. You know, just having a good time, what you normally do. Yeah, you know, just really living. And then my friend comes. He's like OK, like we're going, and I'm like no, you're going, I'm not, and he's like no, come on, like let's go. You know go. And I was like no, you know, like, like, do you not see me? I'm having fun?
Speaker 2:and he's been with me enough time to know like, okay, bye, like we're not doing this. Yeah, you say okay you're gonna stay here. You stay here and now, okay, I'm gonna tell this story and, like, I'm gonna go through it and it's gonna it's really alarming now they usually are.
Speaker 1:It's not.
Speaker 2:It's not a story you're supposed to look back on with fondness and somehow, you know either someone slipped molly into, like someone slipped molly into my drink, and so no wonder it's having a great fucking time well, thank god it wasn't like a roofie yeah, um, and they captured me by who's they?
Speaker 2:well, that's this couple. Okay, you know, now they were totally baiting me. But, like you know, like this couple, because it was a whole group of people, and I end up, like you know, talking to the girl or whatever, and they're like okay, we're gonna have an after party. Do you want to come? And I'm having a great time. Like yeah, like you weren't kidnapped.
Speaker 1:No, it wasn't but they just enticed you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a better word than capture well, because I'm thinking like if you were trying to get someone to get into your fucking van. You want some candy, little girl, you know oh yeah, you ran right over, yeah so I'm just like okay, like, so they?
Speaker 2:and I was like, yeah, sure, like why not? And then they're gonna have this after party. It's gonna be fine, like blah, blah, blah. And I was like, yeah, great, fine, yeah. And then I like get into the car and I realized like I think we're just like moving up the strip somewhere. And then I realized we're going on to like the main road, like we're in residential, we're not on this strip anymore. I'm in some random car with these random like girl and guy, yeah, saying there's going to be like after party or whatever. Yeah, and then we're in residentials and I'm just like, where is this it's a little sketch.
Speaker 2:You know, I'm like my alarm's up, but I'm also like feeling whatever the vibes, yeah, and then we get into this, this nice house, like mansion house. I want to say they, it was not their house. Either they were renting a room with other people, or it was like their parents house and like they stayed in a room and like they had a child or something or whatever. I don't. I don't know, I wasn't there I wasn't.
Speaker 1:I wasn't there.
Speaker 2:Okay, hold on, you were physically there, you weren't mentally there, yeah, um, and then we get there and there's this room stripper pulls in the room. Okay, there's no one there. Oh, so the after party was just you. Yeah, there's nobody there. Oh, that's terrifying, there's nobody there. And then at that point they're like, oh, and you want something. And then they're drinking. They have this drink and it's promethazine, oh, with, you know, mixed with sprite or whatever.
Speaker 2:So then I'm drinking promethazine with fucking sprite, yeah. Then there's you know other substances, yeah, like ketamine, and you know cocaine, yeah. And then I was like I'm getting all weird, like should I use code words?
Speaker 1:you know, I'm like we're all adults here. Yeah, I.
Speaker 2:This gets labeled as explicit anyway, we're fine, yeah, and then and then still drinking alcohol and stuff like that, and I'm just like now you're really not there yeah no, now I'm really not there and like I think they had like another friend come and like I mean I don't know, it was very strange, and then something. That's how I end up, like in my first threesome, like ever.
Speaker 1:I thought what. I thought you were gonna go. I thought you were gonna say that you took off running or something. And then, no, oh no, I thought this was going a different way and I had never been.
Speaker 2:I'm also, like in my early 20s, never done this. And I'm just like, okay, and I'm also like I'm not used to people sharing their boyfriends, so I'm just like, is this okay? And I'm like you know, and then it was, it was hot, it was nice, like we ended up in the shower, they were really safe, they were really clean. Shocking like, like you know, and yes, I could remember that, like those glimpses, I could remember.
Speaker 1:So where? So this?
Speaker 2:is a consensual thing. I don't know about that, because I was so inebriated, um, but I don't know. Maybe we should put trigger warning at the beginning, maybe yeah, and and then I wake up. You know, whatever do all the things, and then I like wake up and I'm like where am I?
Speaker 2:looking at like where am I also like having like flashbacks of like things that went by, also feeling like a little shame because I'm like I liked it, like you know, I enjoyed myself, but like am I supposed to like things like this, I don't know. Also like well, you're also like what? 21, 20, yeah, so like, yeah, you know, like that. And then I like try to use the restroom and like I get up and, bambi, my legs don't work, oh no. And then I'm kind of like and my phone's dead. Oh so you're. And I'm also in a house of androids no iphone, oh, those are the worst people. And so I'm like great, I don't know anyone's number by heart I know where my, my hotel is.
Speaker 2:Like I know the hotel name, but like I don't you don't have a way to get there. Yeah, and then I'm also just kind of like, oh my God, like what just happened, like you know, like holy shit, and then I'm asking that, and then her boyfriend is trying to sell T-shirts or something, I don't need a t-shirt, I need a ride back to my hotel and I was like do you think you guys can take me and they?
Speaker 2:they they're trying not to go anywhere because obviously they just had a crazy ass night yeah, just they're now. They're now, I'm kind of just like there I'm like weird okay, this is weird, like I need to like, and I also was like kept going in and out of sleep yeah and then I was just like okay, I really need to like get back to where I'm going, like can you please take me?
Speaker 2:like I need to go, and I kept bugging them, yeah. And then eventually, like, because I got, I went into, like okay, like this is like semi fun, semi, like I don't know what to make of this, to like okay, like now I'm like now I want to go.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like I'm fucking weird um, and then they take me to the hotel or whatever and I finally get up to the room and I can't remember if my friends I don't know my friends weren't there, okay, but I see a missing persons report like on the table in the thing, and they couldn't quite fill it all the way out because it hadn't been a complete 24 hours. So they tried to fill out a missing persons report but they couldn't. They were told to come back, yeah.
Speaker 2:And then this point I'm just like and I'm feeling all weird because you know, I there's a lot of things in my system or whatever, and I put my phone up. Messages on messages, on messages that's the worst.
Speaker 1:I've got my mom reaching out.
Speaker 2:I got my sister reaching out, I've got friends reaching out, I've got, you know, all kinds of people reaching out, like, just like, tons of messages, of voicemails, all this and I'm just like that that's what I've had that before, where all your messages and everything pops up and the panic sets in and you're like, oh my god, yeah and like I'm feeling like oh, my god.
Speaker 2:And then I'm also just like oh, and also like, how do I express like where I was like? Do I like say like oh, I participated in something that I kind? Of enjoyed it you know, but also like not quite in my character, because who knows?
Speaker 2:you don't want to get judged who knows who their character is in their early 20s? Yeah, um, and so then I like reach out to my friends. I'm like, where are you like? They're like, oh, we're here. And then so like I'm all hungover, feeling like sick, get fucking dressed, go to the club, meet them at the club, and then, but I'm feeling so hungover like I'm really struggling to even drink my drink and I'm like really even struggling to like normally you know, hair of the dog recover. There was no recovering. I was just there like this.
Speaker 1:My friends were like, oh my god, like thank god well, I mean thank god, I guess I don't know. I go back and forth with that 20 you have to wait 24 hours for a missing person because, like a lot could happen in 24 hours, the sooner we go looking, the better. But I guess also thank god they didn't file missing persons and that would have been, but like who, that would have been a pain in the.
Speaker 2:How many of those who else like hangover, like everyone gets lost to vegas. You know, I don't think I've ever gotten lost. Surprisingly the amount of times I've ended up by myself in vegas because I like to leave and walking the strip and just being by myself, I've once had like an old Mexican man like walk me to my hotel room. That is terrifying. Yeah, I don't know why I was alone, I think I was sad. For some reason. I walk into a CVS and I'm like, oh, I need chapstick, go to the CVS, unpackage it this.
Speaker 1:That and then walk out yeah, just walk out.
Speaker 2:And he literally just like walked me to like my hotel room, just to like make sure I got there safe and I'm like, and I think about shit like that and I'm like that's lucky. So many things could have happened because the amount of times I've been without my phone because it fucking dies can't remember any numbers inebriated just out of my mind is fucking wild, oh my god so almost almost a missing person in vegas.
Speaker 1:Jeez, louise. Well, thank god you're safe and alive. I would have never met you if you yeah, if you got like kidnapped and like taken. Well, thank god, I kind of did you know.
Speaker 2:But now, like now that I'm seasoned, I definitely know what baiting is I'm just like, oh yeah, they're definitely trying to get someone for a good time, but I definitely just thought like after party. Yeah, what do you mean?
Speaker 1:like we're having fun, and I was just like this isn't quite what I was expecting.
Speaker 2:And then I was also. I think whenever you drink, you kind of just like, okay, fine, I'll just make the best of it. Then I made the best of it, and then it had an experience well, there you go and you live to tell the tale, thank god yeah, no judgment, no judge no it's like this we listen and we don't judge.
Speaker 1:This whole podcast is meant to just talk about the fun, the funny times, the gremlin times and um, we're older now and we don't do it as often or you don't do it at all.
Speaker 2:I haven't grown in a long time, but it's fun to talk about and look back. I think that's what your early 20s are for.
Speaker 1:It's meant for you. Yeah, I'm gonna say 20s period.
Speaker 2:I don't want to say early 20s, but like I want to say like 20s in general, experimentation that's your like, that's why you really just go through things. And, honestly, that's what gives you character.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we got a lot of character guys, a lot of character. All right, well, that's our episode. See, it wasn't too bad, we figured it out.
Speaker 2:I'm like shit, did I put a filter on my face?
Speaker 1:My mouth. No, you're fine, all right. Where can people find you on socials?
Speaker 2:That's a good question. I have been Okay, she's been an.
Speaker 1:MIA on Instagram for like way too long. She said it was going to be a three month thing and then three months.
Speaker 2:It's been over a year.
Speaker 1:It feels like it's been like two, but whatever.
Speaker 2:So, but you are on tiktok. What's your tiktok handle? Is it bsals? I don't know. It's your tiktok dude. I'm not typically advertising myself. Well, now you are, I probably should. It's what the kids are doing.
Speaker 1:It is bsals okay, how do you spell that letter b as in boy dot s-a-l-Z.
Speaker 1:All right, there we go. So that's where you can find her and you can find me and the podcast at Emily to Gremlin Pod on TikTok and Instagram. And then if you want to write in your own gremlin stories to be featured on a future episode, it's the same as the socials Emily to Gremlin Pod at gmailcom. Make sure to write if you want to stay anonymous. I read some stories the other day and I didn't know if you wanted your name on there or if it to be anonymous. So from now on let's write in. You should probably just go with anonymous.
Speaker 1:Well, I did do anonymous last time, just because I wanted to be safe. But make sure to sign it with your name or just write that you want to be anonymous and yeah, and that was our episode. Alright, let's cheers one last time and thank you for listening. Bye.
