Emily to Gremily

Solo Session: Love Language, Dating History, and Spotting Narcissists

• Emily Hogan

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Drink in hand, Emily dives into relationship questions. This solo episode is all about love languages, dating history, and the complex journey that led her to her current relationship. She opens up about her toxic past relationship, how she met her current boyfriend of seven years, and shares advice on suspected cheating.

Do you want to share your relationship stories? Have any questions? Need to tell an amazing gremlin story? Email us at EMILYTOGREMILYPOD@GMAIL.COM

Follow along on Instagram and TikTok @emilytogremilypod and watch full episodes on YouTube.

Speaker 1:

hey guys, emily, from emily to gremily, back again with another solo episode. Um, these always make me nervous. I haven't gotten used to just talking to nobody. I like having somebody sitting right here beside me, but we got to do solo episodes at some point. Today's the day. Um, my drink of the episode? It's simple, it's just vodka, because I'm a vodka girly and an Alani. So it's kind of like a vodka Red Bull but with an Alani instead. And if you're not watching, it's such a pretty color Like, oh my gosh, it's like this perfect iridescent pink. She's so pretty, but yeah, so let's see what we got today.

Speaker 1:

So for today, I had thrown it out on social media that I wanted to talk about relationships. I had gotten a lot of questions on my last solo episode asking about like my relationship, like what I got going on currently. So I decided I was going to do a whole separate episode just devoted specifically to this. I also had put it out on social media if you guys had any extra questions or if you had like any advice, questions like if you want me to help you, you know, solve something. Again, like I prefaced on social media, I am not a therapist, I am just nosy and I like to give advice and talk. So that's what I did. I gathered your questions here. Also, I got an advice question, so I'm kind of excited to talk about that. So, yeah, let's just get started with it. With the first question I got, which was what is your love language? And I never know how to answer this too I debate on whether or not the question is like how do I like to receive love or how do I like to give love. So I decided I'm just gonna tell you both.

Speaker 1:

As far as like receiving love, I feel like I'm more of like a quality time girl. I just love to like hang out and, you know, talk and just like be with my person. So that's how I think I like to receive it. Give it out is more for me like acts of service. I love to do things for my person. I like to you know, when he comes home, I like to have the house clean, I like to have a meal cooked, I like to have everything just like set up. I like to do things for my person. It's just for me. It's a little more fun to, you know, have him come home and have everything nice and set up and, you know, do things that make his life just like a little bit easier. So I think that's more of like my love language how I give, how I receive, I mean, but also, at the same time, I love to like give and receive gifts. I feel like we're all just like a big mix of all of them, to be quite honest. But, yeah, mainly would be quality time, and I love to do, I love to do things for people. I think that's a lot of fun.

Speaker 1:

Okay, this next one made me chuckles. It said do you have a type? Asking for a friend, and then they put a little winky face I don't have a type. No. Also, if you're flirting with me, keep flirting with me, because I would love a boost to my self-confidence. But no, I don't have a type. If you put all the people I've ever dated, I don't know hooked up with in a room, they don't.

Speaker 1:

Nobody looks alike. I feel like I'm more attracted to personality as opposed to looks. That's not to say that you know, looks don't mean anything, but personality is like a really big thing for me, because you could be like the most, like gorgeous person, gorgeous man, gorgeous woman around, but if you have the personality of like a spoon, then I'm not gonna fuck with you. You know, someone has to be funny, they have to be sweet, they have to be nice. Um, yeah, I'm more attracted to personality. It's it's really hard to get over someone have, like, if they're really gorgeous but they're a dickhead and or they just are bland or boring, that's more. That's harder to get get over. Um, not to say that I haven't dated a dickhead, or dickheads, actually multiple Um, that'll come up in a future question, which I have listed here. But yeah, no, um type. I don't really have like a type.

Speaker 1:

I've said before on this podcast that I love, you know, blonde blue eyes, but that's not like an exclusive, like I only will date a blonde blue eyed. It does help though. So, yeah, no, not a specific type. How many people have you said I love you to? Ok, so I have to think about this. I've said it to three different men, partners romantically, and each cause I've only had three serious relationships. But I feel, like I said, I love you differently in each one. It's probably just, you know, a maturity thing.

Speaker 1:

When I said it to you know, my high school sweetheart, it was very playful and fun and it was like that kind of love where you think you're going to be together forever and you know not to pop anyone's bubble, but usually you don't end up with your high school sweetheart I didn't, but I meant it when I said it to him and you really think it's like the end all be all and you guys are going to be together forever and it's just very sweet, um, that you, you can look back on it fondly. Um, with the second person, it was a learning experience. We were very toxic for each other. Um, I did mean it when I said it, but it was a little more emotionally charged with him and I'll get into it more with the next question. But now I feel like I have a very grounded and secure love with the person I'm with now. It's not it's not toxic, we're just very much like in the moment with each other and we're secure with each other. Not that I want to like speak on his behalf, but you know I feel like he would say the same thing. I don't know, babe, I know you're listening to this, so let me know how you feel. But yeah, I feel like it's more of a secure love, more it comes from a place of just like maturity almost, even though I don't like to think that I'm old or mature, but yeah, I think it's a more mature love. So I feel like you can say I love you to multiple people over the course of your life and have it mean something different each time, and that's just coming with age.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so to cycle into the next question what happened in your worst relationship with an Aries? So in my last solo episode I was asked what signs, astrological sign I get along with best and what sign I get along with worst, and I had mentioned that I had my best relationship now with an Aries and my worst relationship was also with an Aries. That is a person I met when I was 19. I'm trying to say this not in a mean way. He wasn't a very nice person. He was very narcissistic, which is something that I wasn't cued into or realized was a personality trait, mainly because I was young and I, you know, was still in that I don't know honeymoon phase maybe, when he really showed me his true colors. I was kind of already in deep and I maybe almost thought I could fix him in a way which you can't fix people. People can only fix themselves.

Speaker 1:

It was the worst in terms of how he was emotionally and mentally abusive and extremely manipulative. Mentally abusive and extremely manipulative. If I could go back and tell myself anything, it would just be to you know, watch for the signs. He showed me who he was pretty quickly on and I just didn't care Not that I didn't care at the moment, I just I thought it would change. I thought maybe I could make him change, and people aren't going to change for you Like that's. It's just plain and simple.

Speaker 1:

He, um, he really liked to isolate me and at first I didn't really care because I just enjoyed being with him all the time. If I tried to have friendships outside of him, he felt it as a threat and you shouldn't be threatened if you're, if your boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife has friendships. You know people need a connections outside of what you have in your own house and he, he didn't want that. It was either him or nothing. And you know, I did stay with with him for a long time. I stayed with him way longer than I should have and, um, it was toxic. I really do think we brought out the worst in each other. I definitely wasn't a perfect person when I was with him. Um, we I enabled a lot of his behaviors. He was a very addictive person. He had an addictive personality and I wasn't the person to say no to him. I just kind of let him do what he wanted to do, to my own detriment.

Speaker 1:

We were engaged at one point. That's something I wish didn't happen, because it's a failed engagement, to be quite honest. And also I just kind of wish I would have saved it, saved an engagement for somebody I really was going to marry, because when I had said yes, I did mean it, but I knew it was never going to last and it wasn't going to be true. We had started planning a wedding and I immediately got cold feet Looking back on it. When I started planning a wedding and I immediately got cold feet looking back on it when I was planning it, I was planning it as in. As it wasn't really going to happen it and it never did, I broke it off.

Speaker 1:

Um, yeah, we just we were very toxic for each other. It wasn't something that was meant to be, meant, meant to last, and unfortunately I stayed in it five years too long. But you know, we live and we learn and everything is just a life lesson. At the end of the day, I definitely know the signs of a narcissist. Now, whether people want to take my advice or not, that's totally on them, but I mean, I can spot, spot one a mile away, because they all have a very clear pattern. Um, so, yeah, that would be my worst relationship with an Aries. He's my worst relationship overall, though it's not just specifically an Aries, he was just like the worst overall. I'm sure he doesn't really have kind words to say to me either, um, but I'll never know because I don't want to speak to him again. So toodaloo to him.

Speaker 1:

Let's go on to happier questions. How did you meet your boyfriend? So we met at work. Actually, um, I had known him for about four years prior to us starting to date. So he was around me when I was with my past relationship and, yeah, we had known each other. I thought he was like a really nice guy, really sweet, funny, and you know, once my other relationship kind of blew up, he was there and we started hanging out more because I was able to have friends outside of my past relationship and we just kind of started dating and it's been really great ever since. So, yeah, we've been together in June, june 21st, 22nd, I don't know the date. Actually I should ask him, and hopefully he doesn't get mad when I do ask him. I don't think he will. But yeah, june 21st or 22nd of this year will be seven years, so he's officially my longest relationship. Yeah, and I'm happy.

Speaker 1:

And then the next question says will your boyfriend ever come on the podcast? Okay, I've asked him several times if he would be willing and he each time tells me no, he's a private guy, he's shy. I will eventually persuade him to come on. I'm probably going to have to offer him something like he can't refuse. I don't know what that's going to be yet, but I will eventually convince him to come on. It's just a matter of doing so. It's going to take a lot of probing and a lot of persuading, so I will eventually get him on. It's just probably going to be a while, which is okay. He can just keep listening on his way home from work. And, babe, I will eventually get you on this podcast. So you can't say no forever. I'm eventually going to annoy the shit out of you and you're going to have to come on. So, yes, he will come on, just not right now.

Speaker 1:

Okay, and the last question was sent to me on an email. I had said if you guys wanted advice on anything and it was, you know, because you can only type in so many characters on Instagram If you have like a long form question to email me, which this person did she did not sign her name, so I'm going to keep it anonymous. But the subject line of the email said I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. And then this is the text. It says hi, I'm looking for advice and would love an outsider opinion.

Speaker 1:

I think my boyfriend of two years might be cheating on me. I've noticed he's become extremely distant. We have talked about moving in with each other and even started looking at apartments together, but then last week he mentioned he had just renewed his lease for another year. I also went to look through his phone I know that's not okay and he had changed his code. I can't tell him. I know he changed it because then he will know I was snooping. I have talked to my friends about it and they don't like him. So they immediately told me to break up with him. I know he has been stressed about work and don't want to add to his stress, but I don't know what to do. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you, oof. Let's see. It's obviously not okay to go through someone's phone without their permission. I've done it. I'm pretty sure almost everyone has done it at one point in some relationship. It's not okay, but for him to change the code is a little sneaky.

Speaker 1:

I would also love to know that she didn't say how old she was or how old her boyfriend was. I would love to know if this is coming from someone who's like 21 or 31, because that kind of makes a difference. It doesn't? It doesn't, I guess? I'm not sure. Also, the friends not liking him. I would love to know why they don't like him. Because you know, I had this friend at one point who she was in this relationship and she didn't introduce him to any of any of our friends. Like, we had the same friend group and you know, no one had really met this guy with the exception of two girls who said they hated him and that he was an asshole. And I couldn't really make my own opinion about him because she kept him hidden and there's always a reason to not like somebody and it feels like maybe he's giving off bad vibes, maybe he's not really the best person, but I also feel like women's intuition is important and it's real. If you really feel like something is going on, it usually is. I've never, you know, not trusted my intuition about something.

Speaker 1:

So, with that being said, the advice I would give is I really I know you don't want to stress him out, but I think you need to just have like a really blunt, straightforward conversation with him and ask him what's going on, and you might just need to admit to what you did. Of course it's not okay to go through someone's phone, but you try to and you couldn't find anything because the code was changed. I would just say, look, I feel distant with you, I feel some awkwardness with you and I'm not sure not really sure what it is, what's going on? I think you might be cheating on me and I did try to go through your phone and I couldn't get in it because you changed the code. So I would just straight up tell him and be like look, this is what I think is going on and hopefully nothing is going on. Maybe he really just is stressed from work. But I would just confront him. That's really the only thing you can do, because he's not gonna just tell you on his own accord. You're gonna need to ask him straight up what is going on for him to tell you. And if he shuts you down, it honestly depends on how he reacts. If he's very defensive and mean and mad that you came at him, maybe there's a reason he's defensive. If he tries to calm you down and say hey look, so sorry, I'm just stressed and I renewed my lease because I had to. We hadn't found a place yet.

Speaker 1:

There's a lot of ways this could go, but I really do think being honest and direct and straightforward with somebody is the best policy. I've done the sneaky route before and it's never worked out. I really feel like being straightforward is the best option. It's the only way you're going to be able to find the answers that you're looking for and hopefully he's honest with you. Hopefully he's not cheating, hopefully he is just, you know, kind of stressed with work, which is totally understandable. People get stressed. There's been times where I'm stressed and I'm so focused on myself and my own emotions that I'm not thinking about somebody else's emotions, which is, you know, that's just life, that's just being a person. So hopefully he's not cheating on you, but I would definitely just straight up ask him and admit your wrongdoing. Tell him you tried to go through his phone and that you won't do it again. But you became even more insecure that the phone code was changed and you couldn't look at it. But also try not to go through his phone, because, eesh, that always just makes you look crazy. It made me look and feel crazy, so I would definitely just straight up ask him. Okay, so that was the end of the questions.

Speaker 1:

I didn't pick each question. I was sent in several that were kind of like double questions or they were kind of I felt like were going to be answered in the same way. The other ones were, but if I didn't pick your question, just send them in again. I'm going to do more solo episodes, but yeah, so I figured I'd read some two Gremlin stories that were sent in, yeah, so let's get on it. The first one is from Julie. She says it was Halloween weekend 2019 and I was visiting my boyfriend who had just moved to a new town for his job.

Speaker 1:

I was really excited to finally see his new apartment and meet his new work friends at a costume party that was being hosted by one of his colleagues. My boyfriend and I decided to do a couple's costume and were skeletons, complete with a full face of makeup. I was nervous to meet everyone, so we pre-gamed at his house before leaving for the party. Once we were there, everyone was really welcoming and the drinks just kept on flowing. After a couple hours I was definitely feeling the effects of the many shots and the countless glasses of punch I had consumed.

Speaker 1:

At one point I was mingling with the host's girlfriend when I realized my boyfriend was nowhere to be found. I walked away and tried calling him multiple times, but he never answered. My drunken self was somehow convinced he had left me there all by myself and I became inconsolable, like full on tears streaming down my face and smudging my once perfect skeleton makeup. A few girls were trying to help me and promising me he didn't leave me and we'd find him. Girls were trying to help me and promising me he didn't leave me and we'd find him. My tears turned into seething red anger and I decided I needed to leave immediately. All caps.

Speaker 1:

Next thing I knew I was stumbling to the sidewalk to catch my Uber. I had decided it was time to leave and I wanted to go back to my house, which was 40 minutes away. I cried the entire car ride home, with my Uber driver handing me tissues. Oh God, I can picture it. My boyfriend kept calling and texting me, but I refused to answer the phone. I finally arrived home after what felt like an eternity, only to realize I had left my house keys back at my boyfriend's house. I never took them with me, since I wasn't going to need them that night, so I decided to just sleep right there on my porch, since I had no strength to attempt to break into my house. I awoke the next morning to my boyfriend walking up to me with the bags I had left at his house, as well as my house keys. I was so embarrassed, but luckily we were able to laugh it off. Minus the $200 Uber ride and the terrible blow to my ego, I ended up moving in with him six months later and the host's girlfriend ended up being a bridesmaid in our wedding a couple years later. So, safe to say, my terrible first impression didn't ruin my reputation too much, lol.

Speaker 1:

I hope you enjoyed my gremlin story and can't wait to hear others. Julie, oh Julie, you're a girl after my own heart. I picked it because I feel like I've probably done this not for a Halloween party, but I for sure have lost a boyfriend at a party and then thought that it was the end of the world. I never had a $200 Uber ride, but this is me, when I'm drunk for sure, and I've turned to the dark side, and there's no consoling a drunk gremlin. Plain and simple. You just think it's the end of the world and that's that. Luckily, you have a boyfriend now husband who you know can laugh with it as well. So good for you, julie. But oh man, I can picture it too. It's so sad, all right. The next one is from Erica. She says my gremlin story produced another gremlin.

Speaker 1:

After working from home during the pandemic, my friend group and I were unusually excited to be able to return to our party ways. My best friend decided to throw herself a birthday party at our house in January of 2022, and almost everyone she invited attended, including my ex-boyfriend. We didn't end on bad terms, so seeing him was a welcome surprise. We drank and danced all night long and, of course, ended up in bed together, even though the night was blurry. I do remember pulling a condom from my nightstand drawer and giving it to him, assuming he put it on. The next morning we all woke up with the most disgusting hangover. It became an all-day affair of throwing up and stumbling back to bed. When the hangover and my ex finally departed, I was able to clean my room and the house and noticed the fully intact and unused condom wrapper on my floor. In a panic I decided I must have handed him two, and all was well. Nine months later, I gave birth to our beautiful little daughter, hayden. Even though we did not get back together, we are great friends and he's the absolute best father to our little girl. Now she has officially reached her terrible twos and I can absolutely say she is a full-on feral gremlin.

Speaker 1:

Thanks for reading, erica. Oh this, I thought that was so sweet. I don't have a similar story. I just picked it because I thought it was really, really cute. And congratulations on your beautiful little gremlin. And I'm happy that, even though you guys aren't together, you can co parent and have a beautiful, beautiful relationship with your daughter for your daughter. I just thought that was really sweet and lovely. And but, yeah, always use condoms, because unplanned pregnancy is real. All right, guys. So that's the end of this episode. It's a short one. I think solo episodes are always going to be kind of short, short and sweet, as I like to say. So yeah, I'll just do like questions. Read some gremlin stories.

Speaker 1:

If you guys have any ideas of like what you guys want me to talk about, please send them in. I'm always looking for ideas. I have some episodes set up upcoming that I'm really excited about. I'm excited to talk to a few different people. I have some episodes set up upcoming that I'm really excited about. I'm excited to talk to a few different people. I have some really fun episodes lined up. But solo episodes for me are always a little more uncertain. I don't really know what I'm going to talk about with you guys when I'm by myself. So if you have ideas, if you want me to answer a specific question, send those in. You can DM me on Instagram, which is emily2gremlinpod, send me a message if you have some ideas. You can also email me your gremlin stories at emily2gremlinpod at gmailcom. And I also do have a TikTok the TikTok's kind of slow moving. I don't really know how to like promote myself on TikTok, so please give me a follow there. That's the same as everything else, emily, to Gremlin pod With your gremlin stories my friend had mentioned in last week's episode that if you guys want to send in your gremlin stories with the drink that made you become a gremlin, that would be fun.

Speaker 1:

I can make the drink myself and see how long it takes me to spiral and become a gremlin with the drink that caused you to spiral. I think that'll be fun. Yeah, so that's pretty much the episode. Send in your gremlin stories, send me messages. Let me give me the episode. Send in your gremlin stories, send me messages, give me the feedback. You can also rate this podcast on Apple Podcasts, spotify, amazon Music. I'm listed everywhere. I'll actually do like a different post separately to show where I'm listed and where you guys can find me. But yeah, make sure to send in your Gremlin stories and rate this podcast. Give it five stars. If you're gonna give me one star, four stars, three stars, I don't want that. Don't rate it, just do five. All right, guys, thank you so much for joining me and we'll cheersies with a drink. Cheers, adios, adios.

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Emily Hogan

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