Emily to Gremily

I Don't Condone It, But ... ?

• Emily Hogan

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Seven wild gremlin stories take center stage in this jam-packed solo episode as Emily returns after a brief illness-related hiatus. Armed with a vodka gimlet and tales of drunken shenanigans, she dives into the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy, and occasionally vindictive moments shared by her listeners.

From Leslie's hilarious mix-up when she accused her boyfriend of cheating because she spotted lipstick on his collar (spoiler alert: it was her own), to an anonymous listener's perfectly timed sidewalk vomiting session that narrowly spared an Uber driver's car interior, each story captures that universal moment when alcohol transforms us into our gremlin selves.

The collection takes a juicy turn with what Emily enthusiastically calls her favorite type of submission, witnessing someone else's gremlin moment. This particular gem features a bride's cousin (and ex of the groom) having a complete meltdown at a bridal shower. Emily's unabashed delight in this secondhand embarrassment perfectly encapsulates why we love sharing these stories, there's comfort in knowing we're not alone in our most mortifying moments.

The episode rounds out with tales of drunken injuries, alcohol-induced honesty, and even a sober but decidedly gremlin act of revenge. Throughout it all, Emily offers her characteristic blend of judgment-free commentary and occasional enablement, reminding listeners that while she might not officially "condone" certain behaviors, she absolutely understands the impulse.

Want to share your own gremlin stories or seek "gremlin guidance?" Email us at EMILYTOGREMILYPOD@GMAIL.COM and follow along on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube @emilytogremilypod.

Speaker 1:

hey guys, emily, emily to gremily here back with another solo episode. I did take the week off because I was a little sicky and but we're back and we got a vodka gimlet which I'm very excited to drink because it's been a minute since I've had a drink, and by a minute I mean several days. But anyway, since I took a week off, I decided today should be dedicated to only gremlin stories. So I pulled. Let's see one, two, three, four, five, six, seven stories. I believe that's the most stories I've told in one episode. We have some signed, some unsigned, some anonymous, so let's get straight into it. This first one is from Leslie. She says for reference, this was all told to me and, while I do remember bits and pieces, many details needed to be filled in.

Speaker 1:

After a fun night out with the girls, my boyfriend was a designated boyfriend who was going to take all of us home and make sure we were safe. After dropping off two friends, we were headed back home and I looked over at him from the passenger seat. I immediately become absolutely enraged to see red lipstick smeared on the collar of his white t-shirt and glitter on his cheek. I go berserk, I start screaming about how he's a cheater and I start throwing napkins from our Taco Bell drive-thru order at him. I am calling him every name in the book and when we get home I grab the food and stumble through the garage and into the house, slamming the door behind me. I wake up the next morning in my bed with hot sauce on my pillow and my Crunchwrap Supreme, half eaten, in my hand. My boyfriend had slept on the couch because he quote didn't want to feel my wrath anymore. He graciously pointed out that the makeup on him was put there by me. When I sloppily hugged and kissed him when he picked us up from the bar and yes, the color absolutely matched my favorite lipstick and silver eyeshadow I had been wearing the night before. That was now caked onto my sad face. Luckily he wasn't too offended by my rant and we are still together. Thank you for creating a space where we can all go to feel a little less embarrassed about our gremlin activities less embarrassed about our gremlin activities. Leslie, oh yeah, I don't know if I've ever done this, but it would be pretty easy to tell what lipstick is would be on him, because I wear a very distinct color, because I mix two colors together. So if it's anything other than that color, anything other than that color cheetah. But good thing that he was very gracious about not giving you too much shit for your craziness. But you know what can we do? All right, the next one is unsigned. Anonymous says.

Speaker 1:

This story happened a few weeks ago, on my birthday. I went out with three friends bar hopping in our downtown area Around midnight. We decided to call it a night and head back to my place, so we ordered an Uber. When he arrived, we all piled into his car, with me taking the window seat. The ride was only going to be 15 minutes, but halfway through the ride I started to feel queasy. I rolled the window down to be able to breathe in the fresh air, and luckily that helped a bit. We finally arrived at the destination, and I bolted out of the car and onto the grass and began projectile vomiting all over the grass and sidewalk. My friends just stared at me in horror. Luckily, the Uber driver had napkins in his car and gave them to me to wipe my mouth with. He thanked me for not doing that in his car, and my friends helped me inside. After the incident I did feel much better, though, and we ordered some late night munchies in our pajamas. I was fortunate enough to not get any of my new clothes ruined and, all in all, it was a pretty successful night.

Speaker 1:

Anonymous, okay, this has never happened to me, but I did have a friend and we went out to dinner and then we went to go see a movie, and the movie theater that I love going to it's an AMC dine-in and they serve food and drinks and we took advantage of the drinks. I also do believe we had a water bottle filled with vodka because Gremlin activities. So we Ubered, obviously because no one was okay enough to drive. We Ubered obviously because no one was okay enough to drive and I was sitting in the front seat and I had two people in the back seat and she had. That's why I think we had the water bottle. She had a water bottle in her lap and the Uber driver starts nudging me and he's like pointing at her and I turn around and she's trying to throw up in the narrowest water bottle opening and she made it almost all in, except for it was all over her pants and Uber driver was pissed. None of it got on his car, thank God. Like she was in her. She was a little mindful to not get it all over his car. I ended up getting a terrible review on my Uber. I paid the guy cash, just even though nothing got on his seats, and, yeah, I ended up having to wash those pants for her because she was like dead for days. Good times, though that was years ago. I think that was like pre-pandemic time, so it's been a while, all right. Next one let's see. I don't know if it's signed, let me see. Let me see Unsigned Anonymous. She says oh, this is actually a really good one. When I read this one I was so excited. She says this is not my gremlin story, but I witnessed it firsthand and I think it needs to be shared.

Speaker 1:

I was at a friend's bridal shower a couple of years ago. I hadn't seen the bride in a couple of years, but we kept in touch through Instagram and a mutual friend of ours was one of her bridesmaids. When I arrived, she introduced me to her bridal party and I started catching up with the friend. I knew I had noticed a woman kind of sulking and acting weird, so I asked who that was. My friend said it was the bride's cousin, who had actually dated the groom two years prior to him starting to date the bride. I found it odd for her to be there, but kind of shrugged it off. I found it odd for her to be there, but kind of shrugged it off.

Speaker 1:

As the afternoon went on, we all mingled, played the traditional games and had some drinks. Well, the mopey girl had many more drinks than everyone else. People started noticing and I saw a couple girls ushering her away. She then bursts out into a rage and starts shouting that bitch thinks she can marry my ex. She's a backstabbing whore. And now everyone is watching and the bride is standing there paralyzed. As they finally get the girl almost out the door, she screams his dick is small, have fun with that tiny dick. The entire mood of the party shifted, of course, and ended pretty quickly after that. The wedding was a couple months later and I did not see said cousin in attendance. It has to be one of the craziest things I've witnessed in person.

Speaker 1:

Anonymous, when I read that you have no idea, like look, I feel like you guys should know at this point. I am a nosy Nelly. I want to know everyone's business all the time, even if I don't know them. Just because I'm that nosy, this fed my soul. I was so excited to read this. I, oh my God, I was like in. I was sitting in bed on my computer and I was clicking my feet together and I was giggling. I was like I fucking love this shit. So, even if it's not your gremlin story, feel free to share about other people having gremlin stories, because that that's half of the reason why I started this podcast. I love to gossip and this was so juicy and so thick and oh, I love that. And for her to scream that and the bride just stands there I mean, poor bride Feels so bad for her, but like I would. I want to witness something like this in person because it just it does something to me. I don't know, there's probably something wrong with me, but I wouldn't want it to happen to someone who, like I, care about, but I would want to see it happen. Oof, um, I just got all giddy again. Yeah, I love this shit. So if you have more of these kinds of stories, even if they're not your own, um, send that shit in. I fucking love it. Oof, I feel good again. All right, actually, that might be that sip of alcohol too. I'm going to have another one. Okay, yay, excited. All right. Next one she is also anonymous, she says.

Speaker 1:

One night after a fight with my toxic ex-boyfriend. One night after a fight with my toxic ex-boyfriend, I angrily left his house and went out drinking by myself. I had been to the bar before a few times and knew there was a cute bartender there that I could stare at. I texted a couple friends, but none of them were able to meet me, so I stayed there by myself. At the end of the bar. The cute bartender let's call him John poured me several tequila sodas throughout the night and when the bar was closing up and I was ready to bid him farewell, he told me I could stay while he closed up. I checked my phone and saw the hundreds of missed calls and texts from my terrible boyfriend and decided to take the bartender up on his offer. Maybe not my best decision, but I definitely don't regret it. I ended up sleeping with him and spending the next day and a half with him telling him all my problems, and he ended up being a pretty good therapist. I ended up breaking up with the toxic man and, even though I did not start dating John, I can confidently say that my gremlin night helped me move on and get out of a horrible situation. He was also fantastic in bed.

Speaker 1:

So 10 out of 10 recommend Anonymous. Look, I don't condone cheating, but sometimes all you need is a good lay with a cute bartender to kind of make you forget about all your problems. And yeah, 10 out of 10 recommend Sorry, probably not a very PC thing to say, but oh well, what can we do? It's my podcast, I can say what I want. All right. Next one is Brittany. Hey, I have a friend named Brittany. All right, she says.

Speaker 1:

After a particularly crazy night at my sorority house about 15 years ago, I woke up still drunk but with a terrible hangover. Yeah, I was desperate for water, but unfortunately did not set myself up with a water bottle the night before. I knew I would have to make the treacherous journey downstairs to quench my thirst. After gathering as much strength as I could, I stumbled towards the stairs with a blanket around my shoulder and my eyes half open. I thought I knew the layout of the entire house, since I had lived there for three years, but alas I did not. I misjudged when the step would begin and my foot slipped and I went tumbling down the entire flight of stairs. It was so loud, everyone came running out to see me frantically fighting with my blanket on the landing and blood gushing from my mouth. I had seriously busted my lip and my front tooth. It was basically gone, knocked out, except a nub left behind. Oh God, thankfully my girls were so supportive and helped clean me up and ice my face until I could see the dentist the following Tuesday.

Speaker 1:

Tuesday Thanks, delta Zeta. Unfortunately, this would not be the last drunken injury I received, so please let me know if you'd like other stories as well. Brittany, oh, okay, number one, all your drunken stories, send them in. I don't care if you send me like essays upon essays, I'll go through them and just pick up, pick at them as I go. Second you, okay, I can't believe you had to wait until Tuesday to see. I'm assuming this happened on a Sunday, like you had a crazy night. Or maybe you had a crazy night Friday, but I'm assuming you had a crazy night Saturday and it was Sunday.

Speaker 1:

The fact you couldn't go until Tuesday, oh my God, I mean, I've never knocked a tooth out or anything like that, and now that I said that, I feel like I just jinxed myself. Like as soon as I walk out of this studio. I'm going to tumble down my stairs Um, let's, there's no wood around for me to knock on. All right, I'll just knock on my head. Um, so, I've never knocked out a tooth I've fallen drunk but, oh, my God, I've had, like. I remember I had a wisdom tooth that was really really like impacted and it needed to come out and I had been putting it off forever. So it's my fault, but it was like terrible. I had to wait until to go see an emergency dentist on a Saturday actually, so it was even more expensive. But, yeah, that's terrible. You had to wait and I'm sorry about your two fees. Your poor tooth, um, yeah, that's terrible. I'm sorry, brittany, but let me know about all your other drunken injuries, because I love that shit too. Um, we've all, I feel like we've all fallen drunk. I do remember actually, okay, I didn't bust my tooth, I busted my lip.

Speaker 1:

I was leaving this pretty popular bar here in Los Angeles I won't mention the name because I'll just kind of save that story for a different day and a different podcast episode but I was leaving with my friend, we had closed our tabs out, called the Uber and we were headed out and it's like it's a pretty. It's not a small place, it's just like maybe kind of like narrow is what I would describe it and there were a ton of people there. So I'm trying to like wiggle my way through and, mind you, we've been drinking for like I don't know hours at this point Pre-gamed at my house, then went to the bar, had a shit ton of drinks and it was just, you know, it was a great night, but I, you know it was a great night. But I'm trying to wiggle around these people and I tripped over I don't know if I tripped over my own feet or tripped over someone else or tripped over a chair, I don't know. I tripped and I hit the floor and on the way down I kind of like hit like a corner of like a table almost, but not, it wasn't like a corner, it was just like a side and everything's like pretty cushioned. But I, either way, I like hit myself and I got up and my lip was like busted and I was bleeding everywhere. Like it seemed like it was more catastrophic than it was because of the blood. Um, and my friend, she was like looking at my teeth and my teeth were fine. I didn't ship them thank god again, and we are trying to leave and the security is like telling us that they're gonna call the cops on us as if, like I was bleeding because I got into like this like massive fight and was throwing punches and something. I just tripped over my own two feet and they were acting like I was like creating like a bar brawl. It was wild and I was like we were like we're going to our uber and they're like we're gonna call the police and in my head I'm like I'm drunk, oh my god, I'm gonna get arrested. I've never been arrested before. So I was freaking out and we got into the uber and everything was fine, but haven't been back to that bar since, which. It's a fun bar, but the fact that they made such a fucking stink over me being drunk when I'm there First of all, I was there, bought a bunch of drinks, gave you a ton of money, and I know the owners and they are big drunks themselves, so I'm sure that they've fallen many a time in that place. Again, I won't name the bar. You guys can use your imagination and those who know me, you know who I'm talking about.

Speaker 1:

All right, the next one is from Matilda. Matilda says over this past Christmas break I decided to go back home. For the first time in 10 years I've been living in the UK and the plane fare is expensive, anyway. So my second night back home I decided to meet up with a hometown friend at our local bar and shoot the shit. We are having a great time talking about our crazy high school days. We were kind of delinquents for a minute and tossing back shots of tequila.

Speaker 1:

After a while the bartender comes up to me and says you look really familiar. Did you go to blank high school? I say yes, I graduated in 2009. And she happily says hey, that's the same year my sister graduated. I asked her who her sister was and then she tells me her name and what came over me next can only be explained as word vomit and tequila brain. I say ugh, she was such a fucking whore. The girl gives me the nastiest look and my friend just stared at me wide-eyed in shock. I immediately realized my mistake and start profusely apologizing, but it's too late. She walks away and I quickly finish my drink and we got the hell out of there. Look in my defense. Her sister did make out with my then boyfriend, but you'd think my 34-year-old ass would be over it by now.

Speaker 1:

Anyway, sorry to that girl and her whore sister, matilda. I love how you double down and still call her a whore at the end. Oh, that's funny. All right, I mean, look, I don't think I've done this. I mean, I'm sure I've, I'm sure I've offended a lot of people, but who? You? You just slip up, your mouth is speaking faster than your brain can comprehend the words that are coming out, and it just it happens. And luckily you live in the UK so you can just stay away from hometown and local bar. But yeah, sorry to that girl and her sister. I love that. Oh my God.

Speaker 1:

All right, I feel like I go through these so quickly. Do I read too fast? Guys? Let me know if I'm reading too fast and then I'll try to slow it down. But we're already at the last story. I went through all these already. That's wild. Yeah, maybe I read too fast. Sorry, guys, I'll try to slow it down the next time I do this. Okay, this is also anonymous. She says so. I know gremlin stories are when you are inebriated, but I was dead sober for this one and I still think it can qualify as gremlin behavior.

Speaker 1:

Several years back, I found out that my boyfriend of eight years had been cheating on me for two years. Ugh, what a dick. Oh, and she says can you fucking believe that? All caps. I was absolutely distraught and couldn't comprehend how this person I thought I was going to spend my life with was capable of that. After I cried all my tears, I was enraged. He was moving out of our apartment and I decided to untape all of his packed boxes and glitter bomb them. It went all over his clothes, his toiletries. I poured it into the crevices of all of his devices. I wanted to fuck his shit up. After I was done with my crafts, I taped the boxes back up so they looked good as new. I got several calls and texts from him raging about how could I ruin his stuff, and I was happy to hear how difficult I had made his life. After a couple years of therapy, working out my trust issues, I am now in a happy relationship. As for him, I'm sure he's still finding glitter and thinks of me every time.

Speaker 1:

Haha, anonymous, all right, look, I don't condone another thing I'm not condoning. I don't condone ruining someone's stuff, or your ex's stuff or your ex friend's stuff. I don't think that yet yet. I say yet because don't test me. But yeah, I don't think it's a good thing, but I do understand it. It's one of those things where you're like, yeah, you know, and if she was my friend and called me and said, hey, this is what I think I'm gonna do, I would have gassed her up because I'm that kind of friend. I would have been like do it, do it. You want me to come over? I'll totally helpassed her up because I'm that kind of friend. I would have been like do it, do it. You want me to come over, I'll totally help you. But you know I'm toxic and you know you guys listen to me and apparently you love the toxicity. So you're in good company and I'm in good company and woohoo, and that's the end of the episode.

Speaker 1:

The Gremlin Story episodes are always short. I need to read slower. Pick more, I don't know, maybe pick ones I have more in common with so I can tell you more stories with. I don't know. Let me know if you guys what your guys' thoughts are, because I do like putting out longer episodes. But yeah, hopefully I already have some fun guests lined up, some repeat guests, some new guests. It's just all about you know scheduling and you know getting our lives to work and correspond with each other. So, yeah, if you have your own gremlin stories that you want to submit, make sure to write them in emilytogremlinpod at gmailcom. Also, if you need any gremlin guidance which I'm kind of liking my new title of that you can also write that in Again. Email me emilytogremilypod at gmailcom. Make sure to also follow me and the podcast emilytogremilypod on Instagram and TikTok and you can also watch this episode on YouTube. Again, consistency is key Emily to Grammarly pod on YouTube.

Speaker 1:

And yeah, and that's the end of the episode, guys, the next time you see me hear from me, I come back on your feed. I'm gonna be a year older. Like I said, I was sick this week, so I'm filming this pretty year older. I'm, like I said, I was sick this week, so I'm filming this Pretty late into the week and exactly a week from today Is my birthday and I'm gonna be a year older. I don't know how I feel about that, I don't know. I'll work out my issues With some alcohol and possibly An appointment for Botox. We shall see. But yes, hope you guys have a really great week and hope you guys enjoyed the episode. Please make sure to like, follow, share, subscribe, tell all your friends about it, write in your gremlin stories, write in your gremlin advice. And yeah, let's cheers out with my vodka gimlet, which I barely drank. So I'm going to chug this and cry about my rapid aging Cheersies. Bye.

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Emily Hogan

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